Saturday, June 20, 2015

Fence Jumper Gear: Do's and Don'ts

(Above image courtesy of Pinterest.)
(Below images courtesy of Pinterest from varying sources there.)

Thought you were done with FJs, didn't you? ;) Today I bring you a random Jumper post which details a typical Jumper's gear, for both guys and girls. But instead of me telling you, I have Wes and Hannah here as your instructors.

***PLEASE NOTE: This is meant to be humorous and informative to the world of the Jumpers, and is by no means accurate or anything to real life. Do not go out buying these with the intent to trespass. I repeat: this is meant to be humorous and informative to the Fence Jumper world only.
(Although if you cosplay or anything, I'd love to see pictures. ;) )


Wes: Let's start with overall basics. Guys and girls, wear clothes that won't stand out. Do not wear neon, do not wear white, do not wear flashy, glittery whatevers. Go for darker colors, things that are dull and less eye-catching. Getting over fences is gonna be a lot easier when the sun isn't shining off of your sparkles or dangling chains and catching the eyes of the cops.

Hannah: And while you want loose, comfortable clothes, don't go looking for the loosest things on the market. You want comfort and ease of motion, not your sleeves or your britches catching on fences. It is as embarrassing at it sounds-- why are you staring at me Wes?

Wes: Since when do we say britches?

Hannah: I'm going for colorful language to keep their attention!

Wes: Yeah, but... britches?

Hannah: Shut up, Wes.

Wes: Okay. Let's start with tops. Like Hannah said you want loose and comfortable. Guys, we all know we want to show off our muscle to the girls. But fence jumping is not the time to do that. Go for plain T-shirts or shirts that you don't have to squeeze into. Like this one:


Wes: This is a fairly standard and plain and comfortable. It's not tight, but loose enough for easy motion. And the girls can still see you have muscle. Win-win.

Hannah: Seriously, Wes?

Wes: Don't interrupt.

Hannah: You criticized my using britches. I get to criticize your... whatever it is you're doing. Alright, girls, our "not too tight, not too loose" policy applies for your tops. Tight tops are fun, but you need to be able to move fast. And breathe. Breathing is your friend. As girls, our apparel can be a lot fancier than a guy's. We get the sparkles and bling. But right now those are your enemies. For example:


Hannah: See those loose strings on the sleeves? Don't have those. At first glance this top (or jacket, whatever) looks like a really great jacket for fence jumping. But those strings will catch the fence and yank you back, throw your balance off, and just slow you down. You need tops or jackets without any dangling parts. It will slow you down and ruin your clothes.

Hannah: Wes stop sulking. We girls worry a lot more about our fashion than guys, so we have a lot more to discuss. You'll get your turn in a bit. Okay, girls, now that we know what not to wear, here is an example of a shirt that's ideal:


Wes: You call that "not too tight not too loose"?

Hannah: Shut up Wes it's fine. It's fitted. But it still looks easy to move in. It doesn't look painfully tight. A perfect T-shirt for fence jumping.

Wes: Yes. Gorgeous. Can we move on?

Hannah: Fine. Let's talk about hoodies.

Wes: Perfect. Guys and girls, hoodies are your best friend. They keep you warm while running about during the cold months, and let's face it we all look 100% cooler in a hoodie.

Hannah: Yeah that's probably true... I would say hoodies aren't really something girls and guys need to worry about getting the right style for themselves, but girls just remember guys are usually a lot bigger than us, so guys' hoodies are probably gonna be bigger on us.

Wes: Guys, I do not want to see any of you in a girls' hoodie. Ever. And while hoodies may seem too loose, just be careful. Here's an example of a good hoodie:


Wes: This is a good, generic hoodie. Warm, comfortable, and not baggy. Girls, you all can wear this type of hoodie too. DO NOT wear bright colors or things with words. Plain hoodies are best. But if you don't like black, you can go dark red, dark blue, and so on:


Wes: Minus the jacket, that dark red hoodie is an ideal hoodie for fence jumping. This example is also a perfect segway into our next category: pants. Hannah, go and get your girl-spiel over with.

Hannah: Thanks, I think? Alright girls, skinny jeans look cute, but skinny jeans are gonna restrict a lot of movement. Tight pants are going to get really embarrassing if you have to stretch further than your pants want to go. Like these:


Hannah: These are just asking to get caught. The strings will get caught on fences and you will topple over. And the shoes are a huge mistake. Nobody can run well in heels, especially from cops. Those heels might get caught on a fence and you could seriously hurt yourself. Here is an ideal pair of cute jeans to wear for lots of running and climbing instead:


Hannah: See? Cute, loose, and comfortable. Stick with these, and you'll be just fine.

Wes: Alright guys, jeans specifications for us are important too. Do not wear too baggy jeans. Make sure they actually stay on, and don't droop. Don't do "skinny," either. Guys should never wear them anyways, but especially while climbing fences. These jeans are ideal:


Wes: Take away the chain, and you have a good pair of jeans for fence jumping. Get rid of any chains. They will get caught on fences and cause you nothing but trouble. Fence Jumpers go for practicality, not hip and popular in fashion. Chains are not practical, unless you're tying someone up--

Hannah: Oookay, Wes! Your jeans example also helps us lead into the next category: Shoes. Those sneakers in that example are a good shoe for running and climbing. Find sneakers or running shoes that are comfortable, in colors that are dark, like everything else. Do not wear flip-flops or sandals, that goes for both guys and girls. Sneakers or running shoes. No high heels, preferably no boots:


Hannah: The pink might be a bit much, but these are a good shoe to wear for girls. Comfortable and easy to move in.

Wes: Guys, same with you. Generic sneakers or running shoes are the way to go:


Wes: Simple, comfortable, practical. The Fence Jumpers code of fashion.

Hannah: Exactly. Now, when you jump fences you might need some degree of protection for your hands. Gloves or fingerless gloves will help keep your hands from getting torn up, and they will also keep them warm in cold months. Guys and girls, try to find leather gloves or fingerless gloves. Knitted or crocheted will get ruined far too fast, and get caught on fences: 


Hannah: These are nice, ideal fingerless gloves. They'll keep you warm, and protect your hands too.

Wes: So there you go. All you need to know about how to dress as a Fence Jumper. Not too tight, not too loose. Simple, comfortable, practical. Stick to those rules, and you'll be just fine. Good luck out there.

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